雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点 雅思作文怎么写才能拿高分

雅思考试主要是通过对考生听、说、读、写四个方面英语能力的考核，综合测评考生的英语沟通运用能力，实现“沟通为本”的考试理念。对于雅思考生来说，也有很多考试难点和政策盲区需要帮助解答。今天雅思无忧网小编准备了雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点 雅思作文怎么写才能拿高分，希望通过文章来解决雅思考生这方面的疑难问题，敬请关注。

雅思作文点评：老龄化快速增长的优缺点

In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing fast. To what extent do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

Nowadays, owning to the improvement of living condition(这里习惯用复数), people can live much longer than before, which gives rise to the fast increasing number of elderly people. Some hold that this situation will result in a series of problems, such as social burden, population expansion and so on. While others insist that it agrees the development of modern society and brings many advantages. For my part, I take the latter side with(用for) the following reasons: (74words)

点评：开头稍微写的有点长，不过内容写的还不错。属于通过分析两种不同观点，最后阐述自己观点的写法。(此种写法在雅思大作文的第一段比较常见)

美中不足的是倒数第二句的错误比较明显!while是个连词，应该连接句子与句子，所以这里前面不应该是句号。后面agree是不及物动词，不能直接加宾语。

Firstly, elder people(一会儿elderly people,一会儿又elder people，这不是自相矛盾么!!!) are the fortune of our society. They have enough experiences and capabilities which are badly lacked and needed for our youth when dealing with all sorts of problems, they can still do well in their jobs. Especially(前面应该用逗号，然后这里小写) in some professions, such as teacher, doctor, scientist and so on, sometimes (前面应该用句号，然后这里大写)age means the authority and ability. When you see a doctor, do you prefer an elderly doctor with grey hair or a youth without mustache? (77words)

Secondly, elder people(同上) are the happiness of our society. Increasing number of elderly people is also the embodiment of our improving living quality, which shows our society run(应该第三人称单数)to the right and healthy direction, we(前面句号，这里大写) have more chance and time to serve our elderly people, and it’s the happiest time of all our life to accompany with(accompany是及物动词) our parents, grandparents and great grandparents. (63words)

Finally, elderly people are the lubricant of our society. They have good temper and enough patients(应该是patience吧) to do anything, they can help us to intercede(它是不及物动词，而且主要用人作宾语) social disputes, and they make our society much more harmonious which(前面最好有个逗号)makes for the construction of harmonious society.(43words)

正文段综合点评：此篇是典型的5段式作文的写作，正文段构思出三个分论点来证明自己的观点，的确在构思上花了不少心思。但是，这里我想提的是，还是两方面都分析一下会比较好一点。特别这篇文章是问优点多还是缺点多，那么最好是缺点讲一个，然后优点再讲两个。外国人喜欢这样的辩证分析。

其次，总的来说，作者的语言还是挺流畅的。但是似乎标点有问题，该用句号的时候用逗号，改用逗号的时候用句号，这个也要扣分的!

From mentioned above, the advantages of increasing number of elderly people are obvious more than it disadvantages(典型的Chinese English.应该说there are obviously more advantages than disadvantages.). Elderly people are not the burden of our society but the source of fortune, happiness and harmony of our society.(37words)

全文总评：

尽管总的来说语言水平还是很不错的，内容也写得很充实，但缺点是语言方面还是不够细腻。此文7分。

雅思作文怎么写才能拿高分？

写作不同于口语，应当尽量符合书面语的正式性。随着雅思考生的趋于低龄化(2008年多于半数的考生介于19-22岁之间)，很多考生因为学识或者社会阅历等各方面的原因不是很熟悉书面表达的正式风格，这也是造成写作分数偏低的一个主要原因，尤其是造成其它三项高分而写作“偏科”的原因之一。 　　但这并不意味着写作高分的遥不可及，高分作文是改出来的，所以，雅思中国网雅思专家分析，要掌握好从哪几个方面入手把成型于脑中或者已经付诸于纸上的构思改成阅卷人青睐的表达法即可。下面就是具体的几个客观表达的方面： 　　一 避免太多的人化主语 　　口语中我们很习惯用“某个人做某件事”来构成基本句式，以至于议论文中有的考生依然写的是这样的句子： 　　More and more young students go abroad because they want to get better education and find a better job in the future. I think that they may have problems in study and also in life. 　　上例中第一句的主句和状语从句中都是以某个人开始的，第二句中主句和宾语从句也是以人做主语。虽然说这两个句子的WPS(每句中的词汇数)都超过10个，应该说不能算是写的特别初级的简单句，如果句法和词汇没有问题还是很有希望达到6分的。但如果全篇都是这样的句式，整个文章就显得幼稚，类似于记叙文写作，绝对突破不了7分。 　　其实改法很简单：我们只要避免从“某个人”开始句子就可以了，也就是说用比较客观的就事论事的态度。如：避免“学生出国”，只写“出国”;避免“他们想要…”，只写“想要…”。这样，上面的句子就可以写成：go abroad to get better education and find a better job in the future,不但很客观，而且把原来的主句和从句两部分精简处理成了一个动词短语。既可以做谓语动词加上原来的一个主语构成句子，也可以用不定式、动名词和分词处理为非谓语动词做主语、宾语或者状语，还可以以从句的形式处理。至于原来第一句中的主语young students可以用介词短语的形式插入不定式或者动名词短语中，而下面的句子里的评价部分的内容提上来做主句的谓语，组成一个新的句式。 　　另外，第二例句中的“have”，一般情况下主语都是某个人，而在写作中多为“there be”句型所代替，更加客观。所以上面的两个例句就可以合并成一句： 　　There may be problems in study and also in life for young students to go abroad in order to get better education and find a better job in the future. 　　这样合并不但客观而且精炼，每个单位句子所表达的内容自然就扩大，词汇密度也相应地增多，自然容易得高分，如果加上个别单词或短语的替换，就可以达到7分。但切记不可机械照搬范文中的长句，从雅思中国网的学员反馈情况看判为模板的文章最低分数降至4.5. 　　更进一步说，“have”和“there be”句型都可以简化成更简单的介词“with”结构，如以下所示： 　　On the table is a box. There is a cover beside it. 　　这两个小句子是小作文的流程图中经常要用到的具体描写事物的句型，凡是描写具有某种属性或者带有某种外部特征都可以用”with”结构表达，所以上述两句可以合并成：On the table is a box with a cover beside it. 　　除了一般的“某个人做某件事情”和“…have…”句型，常见的人化主语的句型还有很受考生偏爱的几个情态动词，如can, may, should等。一般建议前两个改成It is likely /possible to do/ that….;后一个改成It is necessary/ imperative/ highly expected/ suggested that sth. be done.的句式，请看下面的例示： 　　We can go anywhere we like with our bicycle. → 　　It is possible for us to go anywhere we like with our bicycle. 　　To curb global warming, our government should promulgate new laws to govern the felling of trees.→ 　　To curb global warming, it is imperative that our government promulgate new laws to govern the felling of trees. 　　归纳起来说，议论文中我们要积极避免“某个人”做主语，尽量用不定式、动名词或者一个从句做主语，谓语动词用评价性的动词充当，这样就可以由记叙文性质的“过程性句式”顺利转化成更符合议论文文风的客观评价性的句式。 　　二 被动句式的使用 　　在比较正式的新闻、商务、法律等英语(论坛)文体中，被动句式因为其更突出客观性的宾语或者事实被广为使用。雅思的图表分析和议论文都是比较正式的文体，所以我们也应该注意多用被动句式。尤其是在以下两个方面： 　　1.主语不确定 　　Someone murdered the millionaire last night.→ 　　The millionaire was murdered last night. 　　2. 主语是泛指很多人或者大部分人 　　To improve the air quality, we should reduce the use of private cars. → 　　To improve the air quality, the use of private cars should be reduced. 　　Most people think that we can get a large share of benefit in the sales campaign.→ 　　It is widely believed that we can get a large share of benefit in the sales campaign. 　　被动句的用法不仅体现在主句中，在从句、非谓语动词短语中都有可能用到，如： 　　It is important for nations all over the world to join hands to control the software piracy. → 　　It is important for nations all over the world to join hands to have the software piracy controlled. 　　I don’t expect that she returned. → She is not expected to have returned. 　　I am not sure whether the college graduates will find jobs in the financially difficult year. → 　　I am not sure whether the college graduates will get employed in the financially difficult year. 　　但是因为汉语中本来是没有被动句式的，所以受汉化思维的影响很多考生不会想到这一点。这就要求我们对此要引起足够的重视，并且在平时多加练习以培养对其敏感度。 　　三 名词化 　　写作中把原本用动词或者形容词表达的地方换成名词叫做名词化(nominalization)。名词化是为了避免太多动词造成的句法处理上的困难，同时也可以把某些陈述型的句式转化成更客观的评价句，更符合议论文的文体要求。如： 　　Our monitor didn’t come today. He has got a flu. 　　很明显这两个小句可以用因果关系的信号词连成一句：Because our monitor has a flu, he didn’t come today.，但这个because引导的原因状语从句以及其它的状语从句是考生们很常用的复合句，虽然看似比较复杂，其实仍然是某个人做主语。如果非谓语动词掌握得好，可能我们会想到用Having a flu, our monitor didn’t come today.如果我们把前后两部分分别用一个概括性的名词来替代，中间加上我们熟悉的表示因果关系的动词，这个句子就非常符合议论文的风格：The flu caused the absence of our monitor today.或者The absence of our monitor is because of his illness.至少我们可以尽量将其中的一个小句变成名词，减少某个人做主语的口语化句式的出现频率。 　　虽然这种表达方法更为客观，句式上更加简洁，但是用比较抽象的概括性词汇来写句子对于越来越趋于低龄化的考生来说的确是个挑战。但是有一些单词是我们在写作中几乎必须要用到的，平时要备好以下几个常见的名词化：lack of(if there is no…), ignorance of (don’t know …), illiteracy in(can’t read…/ can’t use…), failure (didn’t do…)等。而且在具体的使用过程中可以结合介词with使用，使得句法更加凝练。此外个别单词也可以利用题目中的动词的名词性后缀如： -tion，-ment, -isation, -ness, -ity等或者变成动名词形式-ing。如： 　　More younger generations celebrate the western festivals→the celebration of the western festivals by more younger generations 　　四 个别表达 　　如more and more/ a lot等口语化的短语尽量避免，可以用increasing(ly)， a large number of…/a great deal of…./swarms of…等代替。此外缩略形式也是正式的写作中要避免的。

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