雅思作文想拿高分 雅思作文修改：网络代替学校

雅思考试主要是通过对考生听、说、读、写四个方面英语能力的考核，综合测评考生的英语沟通运用能力，实现“沟通为本”的考试理念。对于雅思考生来说，也有很多考试难点和政策盲区需要帮助解答。今天雅思无忧网小编准备了雅思作文想拿高分 雅思作文修改：网络代替学校，希望通过文章来解决雅思考生这方面的疑难问题，敬请关注。

雅思作文想拿高分 这四个错误一定不能犯！

雅思写作向来是令大家头疼的问题，有时候觉得自己写得很不错，但是得分却很低，本文中，新东方在线于思靓老师将结合考生作文为大家详解雅思作文技巧。

大家现在所看到的这篇小作文选自C6T2，同其他考官范文不同， 这篇文章出自考生之手。具体这篇考生的作文得了几分咱们先*个关子，假如你是雅思考官，按照写作评分的四大项标准， 你会给他打几分呢？

The table below gives information about changes in modes of travel in England between 1985 and 2000.


In 2000 the most preferred mode of travel is by car with 4, 806 people. There's a noticeable decrease in public transportation locally where it dropped from 429 people in 1985 to 274 people in 2000. However the long distance bus rides is much more preferred by people as its figures are more than doubled in the last 15 years. People who chose to walk or cycle are decreased slightly in 2000. Which probably made people to take the take the train more often. There's a significant increase in the numbers of people who travelled by train. It jumped from 289 in 1985 to 366 in 2000. This makes the train second popular mode of transportation. The biggest leap in the chart is the increase of taxi users who are tripled in 2000 with 42 people. Where it was only 13 in 1985

Apart from all this modes of travel, there are some more different types of travel as well of course. Number of people choosing different modes of travel is rapidly increased from 450 to 585 in 2000.

我们先从客观地从考官的评分角度来评判下这篇文章。

首先从文章的内容上来看，考生确实从趋势角度描写了数据变化，但描写逻辑混乱。开端描述了car，local bus 及 long distance bus。Car的数据自始至终都是最大的，先描写也毋庸置疑，但local bus 和 long distance bus，变化数据设计不多，同时变化趋势也不相同，放在一起描述没有意义。其次，此文没有描述表格中的总量这一数据，这也是其失分的原因。

再来看下这篇文章数字后所带的单位，考生的作文中带的是people， 但仔细审题后我们会发现，这篇作文的真正单位实际是miles，通篇文章对单位的理解都是错误的。

接下来我们来看结构，通篇文章分成两段。考官习作中有分成三段、四段及五段的小作文的例子，但两段的绝对没有。同时，文章开篇直接就描述了最大数据， 缺少了开头段的引入，结尾段也并不是考官所期望看到的总结性信息。

不过从词汇角度来看， 文章代词及连词使用较好。

a.However the long distance bus rides is much more preferred by people as its figures are more than doubled in the last 15 years.Its指代long distance bus ride。

b.It jumped from 289 in 1985 to 366 in 2000. It指代the number of people who travelled by train.

c.This makes the train second popular mode of transportation. This 指代上一句话。

从语法角度来看， 文章细小问题较多。

a.时态：数据变化时间为1985-2000，为一般过去，考生采用的为一般现在。

b.主谓一致：However the long distance bus rides is much more preferred by people as its figures are more than doubled in the last 15 years. 主语复数，谓语动词单数，主谓不一致。

c.名词单复数： There's a significant increase in the numbers of people who travelled by train. Number应为单数。

d.被动语态： as its figures are more than doubled in the last 15 years.People who chose to walk or cycle are decreased slightly in 2000.Number of people choosing different modes of travel is rapidly increased from 450 to 585 in 2000. 这三个句子的动词应该全部改为主动语态。

这样的作文究竟可以得几分呢， 我们来看下考官评语，实际同我们刚刚分析时给出的关键点是一致的。

This is an answer written by a candidate who achieved a Band 6 score. Here is the examiner's comment:

This answer does not introduce the information in the table, nor does it report it accurately. The figures are misinterpreted as representing the number of people rather than the average number of miles travelled per person per year. Consequently the information about the increase in total travel is simply not mentioned, so not all key information is covered. There is an attempt to summarize trends in the figures, but the reader cannot get a clear overall picture of the information because of the fundamental confusion.

Nevertheless, the information is organized and the writing flows quite well because of good use of referencing and other connectors, but there are occasional errors in these and the links between ideas are slightly confusing at times.

The strong feature in this answer is the range of vocabulary which is used with some flexibility and good control. A good range of structures is also used, but there are still some fairly basic mistakes, such as in the choice of tense, subject/verb agreement and inappropriate use of the passive.

当然我们分析这篇考生习作的最终目的不是想告诉大家6分的作文错误百出，于思靓老师是希望同学们可以取长补短，像这篇作文考生所出现的基本问题，如时态、单位、语态等在你的作文中要避免出现，像考官特别看重的他的句子多样性的运用要多加学习。最后期待大家能拿到理想的分数。

雅思作文修改：网络代替学校

很多同学发来四段式的作文给我，但是真正能写好四段式的没有几个，下面这篇的错误比较典型，给大家参考。

题目如下：schools are no longer necessary, because children can get so much information available through Internet, and they can study just as well at home.What extent do you agree or disagree?

Scientific developments have brought us many benefits, among which the internet must be the most spectacular one. In the near future, it might take the place of schools so that it is convenient for children to obtain knowledge.

我很高兴地看到你可以把上课时讲的很多句子和单词应用在这篇四段式文章中，但是我划横线的句子表现出了你一定的倾向性，你可以把这句改为（there has long been a discussion about the opinion that whether the internet could take the place of schools.）这样可以做到客观的引入话题，而不表明观点。

With time going by, Internet has become an encyclopedia in some degree. It seems that there are an increasing number of children are fund of getting information from the Internet. Some of them are in a great need of gaining information while others just surf it as a hobby. As is known to all that encyclopedia is large enough to satisfy those little children and of course the knowledge in textbooks is included. In that case, there is no need to employ teachers to teach children. As a result children can study just as well at home and get a good grade.

However, there are certainly demerits in studying at home with the Internet. People who make the webpages can make mistakes and some knowledge is completely wrong. As a child, it is not an easy job to distinguish the information. Unlike at home, children are able to obtain knowledge in a systematic way. Besides, children who study at home are more withdrawn than those who study at schools. What is more, children don’t require teachers and that means people who now are teachers will lose their jobs. It may cause the dissipation of human resources and their families are in great trouble of making a living.

上面一段有两个问题：

1.负面的问题我觉得分析的不够，错误应该只是一个小的方面，更重要的应该是：没有人引导，孩子的学习效率会比较低下。

2.我读了划横线的句子后，感觉你的观点应该是支持网络替代学校，因为你用了，certainly这个让步词，但是你在下面一段却表明了跟我的猜测相反的观点，前后不一致，这个是致命的错误。

My view is that schools are still necessary in the future. That is the best way for children to not only get their knowledge in a systematic way but also develop their interpersonal skills. Internet is, in the long run , just a tool to widen their horizons.

如果我打分的话，Band 5

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